Silly words.

I drink vodka because that numb feeling I get, the sensation of indifference and flotation and mild euphoria, I can't seem to replicate it on my own anymore. Was it the first few days, as a drinker, where I exhausted my supply of concern and sensation? Or did the years grind down on my spirit so steadily that now the only way it can be free to act and feel and smile is by dulling my own senses?

I turned 29 last week and have since been living what feels a nightmare. I feel in love, head over heels style, with a girl who instantly left my bedroom to go on vacation. We had a day together, and now every evening and morning is agony wondering if she will contact me and second guessing all of the words I've spoken and wondering if perhaps I've made a grave error in speech or style or thought. But I haven't. I'm just afraid, because I'm reminded so much of a girl I knew once who ripped me apart.

Is this vodka I'm drinking or mouthwash? It was mailed to a friend in a mouthwash bottle, complete with green food coloring and reeking of mint, but it seems more potent than mouthwash should be. Wait, when did I last update this? I'm working in Iraq, a liquor free zone. Hence the surreptitious vodka. Or mouthwash. Whatever.

These days, I'll drink anything to feel something.